Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Atrophic Bloggitis

Definition: The partial or complete wasting away of any part of the mind, body, and/or spirit due to past or present blogging. Atrophic Bloggitis can be caused by poor nutrition, poor circulation, poor judgment, loss of hormonal support, or a whole host of psychological malfunctions (real or imagined). Treatment for severe cases of Atrophic Bloggitis can be tricky since there is almost always residual scarring left on the heart muscle. Support from friends and family is essential, and a return to blogging, in any form, may only worsen the case even though the symptoms may be different. For many people, a few or all the symptoms will do no harm, especially when they are kept in check. For others, even one symptom can cause irreparable damage. For purposes of this article blog, blogging, and posts may be used interchangeably and refers not only to writing a post, but also to reading a post.

Warning signs and symptoms include but are not limited to:

(Physical)waking up to blog, suggesting other people blog, loosing sleep to blog, talking incessantly about blogging, butt pains from blogging, blog-onset carpal tunnel syndrome, making up completely absurd disorders and posts to justify your blogging disorder.

(Psychological) the need to receive and give comments, concern that nobody reads your blog, constant worry that you will offend someone by saying or not saying something about them, taking offense that someone said or did not say something about you, reading too much or too little into a comment or post.

(Internet specific) searching strangers blogs for validation, the nagging sensation to comment on strangers blogs, the need to obtain as many "hits" as possible, knowing how to check your "hits", trying to use specific words to attract attention on multiple occasions.

(Misc.) taking pictures for the sole purpose of blogging about it, subconsciously editing other people's posts, actually editing other peoples posts, avoiding real conversations with real people so you can blog, calling people and/or gossiping about the content of someones blog, letting your children do whatever they want while you blog, frantic panic attacks due to the lack of blogging, and composing blogs as you drive, cook, eat, and even sleep.

Treatment for Atrophic Bloggitis is different for everyone. Some may need to quit blogging altogether, sever all ties to the blogging world, and avoid contact with people that do blog. This complete removal from the blog is especially important if your symptoms tend to be doing damage to your heart. Some people will find that simply taking a break from blogging clears the mind, heals the body, and supports the heart. Beware, however, that when you return symptoms may worsen. Specific physical symptoms should be treated at the core, not surgically. (IE: a serious look at the time spent blogging should be considered before you have butt cushions surgically implanted in your lower checks)

Please note that the diagnosis, treatment, and naming of the above mentioned disease is the sole creation of the author and should in no means be taken as truth. Although the author seems to have many of these symptoms herself, she believes that she has a good handle on them most of the time. Her head and heart are in excellent health and she suffers mainly from the physical lack of sleep during severe attacks of Atrophic Bloggitis. Self diagnosis is encouraged and support can be given by contacting the author directly. If you don't know the author and you really want to contact her you should consider that you have a serious case of Atrophic Bloggitis and seek the help of a friend immediately. This friend should be a live person that you knew before blogging and that you see or talk to on at least a weekly basis. Good luck, and happy blogging!