How to Beat Satan

1. Leave church in a pathetic state on Sunday because he beat you to a pulp and you don't want your primary children seeing you like that. Have a picnic on the lawn of the Temple, have Heavenly Father send you a miracle, and have your husband forgive you for something you never intended to do.

2. Send an email to a friend asking a simple question that Satan planted in your head to doubt yourself and your church leaders. Have the friend harass you until you fess up to what's really on your mind, fess up, and then get some pretty darn good inspirational thoughts from said friend, along with a few compliments that pull you out of the gutter.

3. Study your scriptures. Listen to what Alma says. Snuggle your husband and make him repeat everything that you need to hear, just listen this time, he's telling you the truth and he loves you.

4. Study your scriptures some more. Go to the temple. Pray. Listen for an answer, but realize that just because Heavenly Father doesn't give you the answer doesn't mean he isn't there. Maybe he just trusts you and your judgment and that is the real answer to the question.

5. Open a sweet email from your friend. Realize the friend cares a whole lot and has listened to your frustrations with calm and patience. Be thankful that this friend has probably said a few prayers on your behalf because she's that kind of a person.

6. Study your scriptures some more. Or just read them. Then study them.

7. Invite your friends over for lunch, feed them, then ask one of them a question. That friend won't answer the question you asked, but instead will answer a different question that you didn't ask but needed the answer to. This will be very helpful and you will use this knowledge to your advantage in the near future.

8. Scriptures.

9. Invite yourself over to a friends house a couple hours early. Ask this friend a question that she swears she doesn't have a good answer for. Listen to her go on about how she doesn't know the answer, and in doing so she's given you the answer. Brilliance or inspiration, I don't know, but this was the answer to the prayer you said at the temple in step number 4.

10. Now that you've got it together, go back to the temple, fold some laundry because you got there an hour early, and then get a priesthood blessing from an uninformed yet inspired priesthood holder. This is the advice you got in step number 7 and it will assure you that the Lord is talking to you. Whew.

11. That should have been the end of it, but apparently you're not done. What happened to the "everything will be OK" blessing that leaves you in complete peace and contentment? Heavenly Father wants more from you and only time will tell. Satan will try to wreak havoc on your family by infecting your husband with a virus, but you won't get mad because he's tried this tactic before and it didn't work then either.

12. Go back to church the next week with your head held high. You're surrounded by family and they won't let him get at you again.