Monday, November 3, 2008

Bathmats should come with instructions

Bill and I have always had a disagreement over water in the bathroom. Seriously. You're laughing about water, but it is so bad that I moved out. I moved out of the bathroom and it saved our marriage. But it was a conversation that we had today with a friend that enlightened me on what the real problem was: there are no instructions on bathmats! If there were instructions, then we would have no problem. So next election year I'm going to propose a constitutional amendment that requires all retail outlets to give instructions with bathmats and towels, and that maintains that all new bathmats and towels be imprinted with the following:
  1. Place bathmat on floor next to the tub or shower.
  2. Place towel close enough to the tub or shower that you do not have to get out before drying off.
  3. Take your shower or bath.
  4. If you have long hair, wring it out before drying.*
  5. Reach your arm only out of the tub or shower and retrieve your towel.
  6. Dry off IN THE TUB OR SHOWER. This can be done in any order, but head to toe seems to follow the law of gravity.
  7. AFTER drying off the majority of your body you may THEN step out onto your bathmat.
  8. Dry off completely.**
  9. Hang up your bathmat to dry off. This can be over the tub or shower, but it should not be left on the ground.
  10. Hang up your towel. This is important to keep the musty, dingy, moldy smell out of your towel and off of your body. Definitely DO NOT let your wet towel sit in a heap on the floor.

*For extra-long or thick hair we recommend purchasing a separate hair towel.

**Anytime after drying off would be appropriate to get dressed. You can do this before or after you hang up your bathmat and towel, but not before you dry off.


Bridget said...

this is hilarious! I love it! We never hang the bathmat but I finally got Jason to hang his towels.

Marie said...

You should add (unless this is only in my house?) that when done shaving and/or if you use a towel to clean up said shaving mess you must put it in the dirty clothes so your wife doesn't go to use said hung up towel and get covered in itchy beard hair! EWWW!

H said...

Bill shaves in the shower and we don't share a bathroom... (beard hair does not sound like fun though)