Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Toothpaste and Doctor Burt

(Warning: the following contains explicit details of how to remove a massive zit from your face. It is not for the faint hearted.)

Sunday morning, as I was putting on my makeup for church, I noticed that I was developing quite a welt on the side of my nose. It wasn't the kind that you get because something bashed you and now it was swelling, it was the kind that comes because your face is breaking out, again! I could also tell that it was the kind that was going to hurt. You know, the kind that when you touch it pain shoots through your veins and you want to yelp, "holy mother of all things evil, what was that!?!" But at this point it was only a bump, no redness or puss or anything like that.

That evening when I washed my face the pain began. And I have to tell you it is impossible to blow your nose without pushing or at least rubbing the zit that is on the bridge of your nose. And everyone knows that after you wash your face you have bogeys that you have to blow out or you won't be able to sleep because you have a stuffed up nose. So, "holy mother of all things evil, that zit hurts!" To which point Bill kindly notes that it should have it's own time zone or something equally as insulting. At this point it is just red and irritated and throbbing in pain. Nothing will help.

Monday morning I wake up early (again). The whole house of lazy schooless and workless people are in slumber as I trek to the bathroom. Aargh. Worse than ever, but now I can do something about it. Poke, pop, squirt, ooze... do anything to get that massive mound of gross puss off my face. And then I slapped a little toothpaste on it. Yep, that's right, toothpaste. It has to be the paste kind, not gel because the gel will not dry up. I believe the theory here is that as the paste is drying up it sucks out the rest of the liquid in that massive zit. I don't know the science behind it, but it stinkin' works! The added bonus is that your face smells like minty fresh breath.

After my family woke up I had to abandon the toothpaste because it just isn't worth it to have your children and husband make fun of your toothpaste nose. Not nice. Back to the bathroom for more work. Seriously, it's still pretty big, but there is nothing left to squeeze out without inflicting so much pain that I will fall faint on the floor and have to be rushed to the ER having bashed my head open on the sink. And I certainly wouldn't want that to happen because then all the nurses would be saying, "Did you see the massive zit on that lady's nose? She didn't faint, the thing must have pulled her over!"

So I cleaned it up and rollered on some of Doctor Burt's Herbal Blemish Stick. STING! "Holy mother of all acidic feeling ointments!" But, no pain, no gain, right? This stuff really does work. Sometimes it makes the appearance of said zit look redder than it was before, but I think that's because it's drying up the area and pulling the blood to the surface. I apply this several times before I try to hide the area with make-up that doesn't really stick because the mound is just too great.

Monday is spent trying to avoid letting people see the left side of my face. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to situated people to your right. I also reapplied the blemish stick and cover make-up several times. I'm telling you, this baby was a monster!!!

Monday night, after the monsters of this house were in bed and could not poke fun at my nose, I went through the toothpaste process again. I'm not sure, but I think the mint also provides a little pain relief as well as sucking out the liquid.

By Tuesday morning the gigantic erupting volcano had reduced itself to a small mound. Several slatherings of the blemish stick and a bit of cover-all did the trick. Sure it's a bit pink under there, but I don't have to tilt my head to the side anymore. I think I only did the touch up once that day. No more need for toothpaste, but any chance I get Dr. Burt is drying that baby out.

Now it's Wednesday morning and all is well. Flat and dried up, there is a bit of dry skin that will soon flake off, probably with the make-up that still needs to hide the pinkness. But at least it's not a massive welt that needs a zip code of its own. No more pain and looking the other way as people try to pass me on the left side of my nose.

Aah, Doctor Burt and Original Crest, how I love you, let me count the ways...


Monique said...

NTS: Take the warning seriously, you are pregnant and easily make squeamish.

April said...

I'd rather hear about poopey diapers and poop in vans than a big fat zit. Yick!

btg said...

Well at least I know why there was two empty tubes of toothpaste in the bathroom trash! Really, it was not that bad. A little red, but not as graphic as it sounds. Actually, now that I think about it, when you looked at it, you could see it beating with your heart....

Crystal said...

I am not squeamish so I appreciate this post for it's honesty and refreshing minty smell. I love the toothpaste trick too and have also used the Burt's stick. They do work great.

by the way, hilarious post. I've had some of those on my nose but even more painful are ear zits! No one sees them but many a curse word has slipped past my lips when dealing with those painful ones!