Thursday, June 3, 2010

Payton T. Durrenberger, F.V.

I'm wondering how you start off a post about farting. Maybe with an apology? Jaylee, I'm sorry. I'm going to use the f word a lot here.

Payton farts. A lot. He's really good at it and it makes quite the rumble in his cloth diaper. I find that the fitted, colorful, Kooshie cloth diapers are especially good at giving him room for a nice little echo when the fart explodes in his pants. The regular trifold kind of absorbs the noise and acts as insulation, I believe. Anyway, Payton can let out a good fart.

Payton will usually fart at, well... let's just say that he has good timing. It tends to be quiet, and there tends to be quite a few unsuspecting souls around to hear his offerings. Any father would be very proud of the attention that Payton attracts with his farting.

The particular incident I will recount now was not one of these typical Payton situations. His father was not here. There were no extra witnesses to the fart. In fact, what makes this event special is his oldest sister's comments. Well, that, and the fact that the jerk was farting at the dinner table.

So there I was, finishing up my dinner and the explosion happens. Payton farts. It's one of those type farts that has multiple offerings. I don't know my guns very well, but the shots would be spaced pretty evenly and a bit louder than a machine gun. There were maybe only 3-4 shots fired. Of course, the girls were disgusted. Well, not really. Tasha started laughing pretty hard and Kyra let out an exasperated, "PAYTON!" I finished my last bite of dinner and got up to start cleaning up the kitchen. He farted again. This kid had a lot of gas. Tasha and Kyra then started discussing how if they are not supposed to talk about farting at the table, then Payton certainly should not actually be doing it. Then there is another fart.

"Tasha, was that you?" asks Kyra.
"NO!" Tasha replies.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. It was Payton again." Tasha explains with a giggle.
Kyra debates this in her mind for a moment and then says, "Payton is a fart ventriloquist."

So there you have it, my 6 month old has already acquired some initials after his name and he didn't even have to go to school for them. Payton T. Durrenberger, F.V. (Fart Ventriloquist)


Crissybug said...

That is one of the funniest things ever!!

And yes...I guess I can spot you for the craft. hahaha... I just need to know what color vinyl you want.

Bill said...

I' proud! (wiping tears from my eyes...)

Monique said...

Apparently blaming the baby for "those things" doesn't just happen at our house....

Jaylee Draney said...

I think I just averted my eyes about 10 times. It's hard to even read that word.