Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Men are Jerks

I haven't determined if men have a jerk gene or if they are just missing several genes. You know, the genes that enable you to empathize and care, the one that picks up on signals that help them relate to other human beings (women in particular), the gene shows compassion and a willingness to help even when the situation is not something they understand. And then there's the fact that you can tell them over and over again and they can't seem to transfer the information from time to time or situation to situation. There's a geometry term for that, I think. Or maybe it's a combination of the commutative and distributive property of multiplication.

Yes, full blown pessimistic pregnancy hormones have hit our home. April, come take my computer away from me!

It all started last Saturday while I was watching Something's Gotta Give on TV. I'd never seen it before and I can't really stand Jack Nicholson, but I like Diane Keaton and Amanda Peet. And yes, of course I know that Jack is going to portray a jerk. That's his job, he's good at it. Boy, oh boy, is he good at it. If you've seen this movie you will know that there is a scene, after Jack and Diane get together, where he leaves her. He's not breaking up with her, in fact he's just saying goodnight, but he's breaking her heart. It was gut wrenching to watch. Every single pleading look that Diane gave him was just overlooked by him. Why? Because all men are jerks. That's just really the only explanation I can come up with. And she was SOOOOOOOO convincing! I swear I should teach a class to men on how to read women and give them what they need and want. I'd use this movie as homework.

Then Bill has me watching West Wing reruns. I said to Bill, at least half a dozen times inside of 2 episodes, "men are jerks!" By the last time he retorted with, "Hey, watch it! I'm a man." Yes, yes dear. You are a man. And no, you're not a jerk. I think there must be some sort of husband clause that exempts him from being a jerk in my book. ANYWAY, we're watching a scene and there is a conversation between Josh and Amy where he is breaking a date with her. It's fine, no big deal, she takes it with ease. She makes a little joke, and he goes off on her like an idiot! We actually rewound the DVD so I could show him the exact point in which Josh turned into a jerk. Bill knew, but he didn't catch it the first time. See, men are just not quick enough to pick up on these cues.

So tonight at dinner Bill said something dumb. Like, really dumb and obnoxious that nobody would take seriously. I didn't but I said, "You're a jerk!... do you know why?" He said, "because I'm a guy?" Yes, he's catching on. "And what are guys?"


wait for it...


Tasha says...


"All guys are jerks."


I swear, I have never taught her this truth. She's just a very intuitive 5 year old that can apply the associative property or whatever property it is. You know the one, the one that says if A=B and B=C then A=C. It think it's geometry. In fact, I'm opening it up to save a man from jerk-dome. The first man to offer up the term for this "If...then" statement gets 2 get out of jerk jail free cards. Bill you don't get to play.

Tomorrow I'll probably clear things up with the girls. I'll clarify that all men are not jerks, they just do jerky things... or something like that.

16 comments:

Sara said...

Yup, Bill is no jerk. I was confused by your title and for the first few paragraphs because I knew you couldn't be talking about him! Poor girls, they had to find out someday.

Marie said...

I know for sure it's gotta be a guy thing. Because my 10 year old is near that "guy" age and he just doesn't get it sometimes. I am constantly having to remind him that he needs to think of others and not be so self focused sometimes. Ug! I get it and if I didn't know how sweet a boy he really can be I'd think he was a jerk all the time too.

Jared Lee said...

That is called the transitive property. I know you were just trying to sucker me in with a math related question and an offer of "get out of jerk free" cards and I took the bait, so gimme my cards!

Crystal said...

wow, H, if Jared gets 2 of the get out jerk jail free cards then you get the "woman who can make Jared post a comment on a blog and you deserve a prize" card. Very tricky. So that's all I need to do? Post math questions so my husband will comment on my blogs. I need the "duh, your husband needs math questions for him to respond on your blog" card. Good for you H for being so sneaky like that. Oh yeah, Bill's not a jerk (except for sometimes because all men screw up at some point).

mamamuniz said...

I wouldn't correct your girls on the "all men are jerks" mantra! Keep telling them that, it will save some teenage drama. Maybe correct them and say all men are jerks except your daddy.

Bill said...

At first I was a little alarmed that Tasha said such a thing. I blamed her mom. But after careful consideration, maybe its a good thing. Guts are jerks! Seeing how she can't date until she is 30, this will make it easier.

Bridget said...

lol I love your posts! You get to the point and a good point that is. I trust your judgment and believe everything you say. lol April don't take her computer away just yet. lol

tempe turley said...

Man, this stinks, I saw the challenge, and I thought to myself, man I really need 2 get out of jerk free cards, then I saw Jared already got them :-(...

To be fair, those jerk tendencies come in real handy under those rare circumstances when jerks are needed.

All of the other 99.999% of the time, we've gotta try to keep those tendencies in check.

Monique said...

Wow, the comments on here are just as great as the post.

How about, "All men are jerks at least once in their lives, usually more than that, and they usually don't know they are being a jerk...but sometimes they do."

Ok, that might be a little long, so I guess just stick with the "all men are jerks" it is shorter and not so complicated and right at least part of the time.

H said...

WOW! 8 responses before noon, I guess I hit a topic everyone has an opinion about, even men. Interesting.

Sara, yes, the girls had to find out. I guess sooner than later is best.
Marie, Kyra has her moments as well. It may be a "tween" thing, but then Damion might have a double whammie against him (being a guy and all).
Lisa and Bill, I agree the girls should probably keep those jerk thoughts in check to keep Bill sane during the dating years.
Bridget, I'm glad your "I believe everything you say" comment was followed by a 'LOL' because pregnant women and their opinions can not be trusted.
Crystal, yes I'm sneaky and what's my prize?!
Jared, you've got your 2 cards, plus a bonus for actually posting a comment on my blog.
Scott, I'll give you a mercy card for responding within 24 hours and and extra one for pointing out that your jerkiness can come in handy at some times.
And for everyone that stood up for him...yes indeed, Bill doesn't need any cards for me. He'll probably appreciate some to use with others though. You know, being a guy and all, he's bound to skrew up at some point.

H said...

Sorry Mo, your comment snuck in there while I was typing. You are right in your assessment that they don't know they are jerks which is, unfortunately, my point and why they would need cards.

Geez I'm pessimistic these days...

Moke, Mom and Dad - The Lightburne Family said...

I'm not coming over till after the baby hormones have left the building! I'm a man - with 3 kids - I know how you women can be.

Love, Dave

H said...

JERK!

(that was for Dave, whom I love)

Bill said...

Dave...help..please help me...

Ryan said...

H,
I refuse to take your computer away. This is the ranting that I love. And, I love you in all your hormonal goodness. Perhaps, wearing a skirt will help you to relieve your hormonal activity *wink*. I did that just to bug you.

Blah blah blah

Here's my assesment: Men are jerks and they are stupid.

What's that? What did you ask? Oh, yes, yes, I'm hormonal too.

Ryan said...

And...all they care about are their berries.

Like how I post under my husband's name while calling him stupid? Tee hee!